90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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