I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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