I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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