he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
