Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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