he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I wear drunk well.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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