Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
