i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I am available for nakedness
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