Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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