You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
