She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
