awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
