She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
