my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
please come you make the beer taste better
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
