My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
