am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
