I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize