When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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