I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Rumble strips road head = magical
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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