last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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