I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
