That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
