I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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