i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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