Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize