If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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