Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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