I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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