forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
