Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
