Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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