We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
