New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
