Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
