Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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