Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
