i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize