Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
