Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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