Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
