K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize