I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
