How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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