Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is Oprah even human
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
