She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
