3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm lost and stupid without you.
I didn't shave. On purpose
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
