You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
