he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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