we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
