even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I intend to get homeless drunk
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
