I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
