i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
