tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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