if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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