I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
