I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Is it because I queefed?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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