there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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