do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize