What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I will be naked everywhere
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
