i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
