Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
