i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize